Attack of the Seam-dress

By Mark “Lucky” DeGregorio

Nonie, who was better known as the new super heroin Elasticity, was fighting a multitude of villains and thugs. She saw two hooligans approaching her from both sides. She immediately stretched out of the way, grabbed their heads, and banged them together.

She saw another robber trying to escape. She stretched her arm twenty-five feet and punched him. She then wrapped her arm around him and pulled him back to the battle.

Elasticity turned and saw ten thugs came at her all in a line. She stretched her arm into a slingshot and threw the robber she had into the line of thugs, knocking them all of them over like dominos.

At that moment, forty villains surrounded her. Elasticity started to twirl herself rapidly, stretching her arms out. She began to wallop all of the foes as they approached her.

When the battle was over, all the villains, robbers, hooligans and thugs were all in a big pile with Elasticity standing on top. A man in a tuxedo dashed to her and gave her a metal. The Mayor approached and gave her the key to the city. A movie producer came running to her with a Movie contract, while an ad executive wanted her to sign up to do endorsements.

The crowds were chanted, “Elasticity… Elasticity… Elasticity… Nonie… Nonie… Nonie… NONIE! Get your LAZY ASS UP NOW!”

Nonie jumped up and, because of her stretching abilities, she hit her head against the ceiling. “Ow! What did you do that for?” Nonie griped.

Stephanie was standing at the foot of Nonie’s bed with her arms crossed and not looking very happy. She answered, “You spend way too much time in that bed! You really need to go out and get a job.”

“What for?” she asked.

“So I don’t throw your butt out on the street.” Stephanie responded. Nonie blinked a few times and got up.

After she got dressed, the two girls made their way to the kitchen to get something to eat. Nonie immediately stretched an arm, grabbed the box of Coca Puffs and started to pour herself a bowl. Stephanie continued, “Nonie, you need to get a job.”

Pouring the milk, Nonie responded, “I have a job, I’m a… Super Hero!” Nonie then, struck a heroes pose and continued, “Da-da-Da! Elasticity!”

Stephanie looked at her, raising an eyebrow and asked, already knowing what the answer would be. “And how much does that pay?”

There was a long silence waiting for Nonie answered. Stephanie then replied, “Yea, I though so.”

As they ate their breakfast, they continued their discussion on her looking for a job; or Stephanie did anyway. Stephanie pulled out the classified section of the newspaper and quickly looked through it. She marked a few places in the paper, then handed it to Nonie and said, “I’ve circled some jobs in here which I think you could do.”

Nonie looks at the ads, as Stephanie continued, “I want you to, at the very least, try to get one of them this week. Do you think can you do that?”

Nonie looked over the circled ads and replied, “Yea, I’ll try.”

Stephanie finished her coffee, got up, and left for work. Nonie took a real look at the jobs Stephanie had circled and griped, “There’re ALL for a waitress! Can’t she think of anything else I can do, besides a waitress?”

* * * * * * *

Alan Foster arrived at So Low Conglomerates for his eight-thirty meeting with Jonathan Solow. As he got out of the cab, he looked up at the skyscraper. It must have been at least fifty stories high. Alan muttered, “I really hope the elevators work.”

He entered the building, walked to the elevator, and pushed the up button. Alan began to hum to himself as he waited for the elevator to arrive. A few moments later, he began to sing; “I should be so lucky” aloud and then danced.

The elevator arrived and when the doors opened, there were eight people in business suits on the elevator staring at Alan as he danced and sang, “I should be so lucky … lucky, lucky, lucky…”

Alan heard the bell of the elevator, turned to get on, and sang, “I should be so lucky in…” and noticed it was filled with corporate suits; they were staring with scowled expressions on their faces.

He immediately stopped and quietly got on as the others got off. Alan heard one said, “I guess security is getting sloppy with letting anyone in here.”

The doors closed and he pushed his floor’s button. Alan thought how stupid was that? The elevator started moving up and he reminded himself not to do anything silly when he gets to Solow’s office.

When he arrived on the forty-sixth floor, Alan headed for Jonathan Solow’s office. He entered the receptionist office and saw the beautiful blonde receptionist in a silky white blouse, and a red, tight mini skirt. Even with the glasses on, they made her even sexier. Alan thought if she let her hair down, she could get any guy, and then he smiled, “Like me.”

Alan approached her desk, held out his hand, and said, “Hi, Alan J. Foster, Su-per Genius, and I would very much love to take in a movie with such a lovely woman, such as yourself.”

She looked up at Alan, tilted her glasses from her face, and said, “No!”

“Oh,” he placed his hands over his chest, “you wounded me with your No.” he replied.

She placed her glasses back on and asked, “Do you have an appointment?”

“Yes, an eight-thirty appointment to be exact.” He answered.

The receptionist looked at the clock on the wall, and sighed, “Great, fifteen more minutes with Mr. Inadequate here.”

She pointed across the room and continued, “Have a seat, somewhere way over there.”

* * * * * * *

Stephanie went to work about an hour ago. Nonie too, was hard at work, playing a video game on her PS2. She was playing Crash: Nitro Kart, as Crash’s little sister Coco, when she heard a knock at the door.

Nonie thought that it was Stephanie checking up on her, and got nervous causing her to slip up and a rolling boulder flattened Coco into a bandicoot pancake. Nonie rushed to turned the game off so Stephanie would not catch her playing instead of looking for a job.

She rushed to the door, opened it and yelped, “I wasn’t playing a video game…” and was surprised to see it was Penny.

Penny said, “I thought you might like this surprise I’ve got for you.”

“Oh Boy! I love surprises, Come in.” Nonie responded like a child.

Penny entered the apartment with a portfolio and set it down on the coffee table. The two girls sat down on the couch and Penny opened the portfolio and said, “I’ve always wanted to be a fashion designer and when I met you that day Juan Tun tore apart the restaurant, I’ve decided to persuade my dream.”

“Oh, that’s neat,” Nonie eagerly said, “What kind of drawings do you have in your case?”

Penny smiled and said, “That’s the best part, they’re concepts of your new Elasticity costumes.”

“Oh Good!” Nonie replied, “I was getting tired of the outfit I was wearing. It didn’t even look much like a superhero’s costume.”

Penny opened her case and started to show her some of the costumes she designed, said, “With your skin tones, and hair color, I think you would look good in green and yellow.”

Then she shows her the first drawing. It was a green latex cat suit with yellow boots, gloves, and belt. Nonie looked it over and said, “This one is cute and all, but it’s way too covering for me. I would feel too constricted in it.”

The next one was the exacted opposite of the first drawing, a yellow bikini with green thigh-high boots and gloves. Nonie stared at the drawing and thought this is way “too” revealing and said, “I would either, get myself arrested, or worst, be the head of an all male conga line.”

After an hour of looking at the drawings, Nonie had narrowed it down to four choices. Penny needed to get home. Her husband would be getting up to leave for work, and she wanted to make his breakfast for him. Penny asked Nonie if she wanted to come along. Within minutes, the two were off to Penny’s house.

* * * * * * *

The receptionist told Alan that Mr. Solow would see him now. He entered his office and took a seat in front of Solow’s deck. Mr. Solow turned his chair around to face Alan and said, “I understand you wish to go on the salvage job I had offered.”

Alan asked, “In you ad, you said an alien spaceship, are you kidding me?”

Solow smiled and leaned back in his chair. He placed his hands so his fingers were touching. “I assure you,” he said, “that everything I tell you here is the absolute truth.”

Alan leaned forward in his chair and asked, “So, there is an alien spaceship, how come the Air Force doesn’t have it locked down?”

“The spaceship is imbedded into a side of a mountain, it must have crashed there before the government got their high-tech surveillance equipment.” He replied.

Alan thought for a moment, and then asked, “So, aside from all that alien technology on the ship, exactly what is it you want from the there?”

Solow sat up straight, placed his hands on his deck and answered, “There is a piece of medical equipment which my company would like to examine.”

Mr. Solow got up from his desk and walked to the window. He turned to face Alan and said, “That is the only thing I which to obtain, anything else you find is for the taking.”

There was a little glint in Alan’s eyes as he absorbed the thought of how much money he could rake-in from all that alien technology. That was until Solow said, “Getting there will be tough. Roads are inaccessible, the only way to get there is by helicopter.”

Shit, Alan thought, where am I going to get a helicopter? Then Alan remembered he knew someone with access to a helicopter and can fly it; his sister Stephanie. All he would have to do is pour-on the ol’ charm. A worst-case scenario, he would have to cut her in on the score. Alan smiled and said, “I think that won’t be a problem.”

Jonathon Solow smiled, “So, you’ll do it?”

“You got yourself a Salvage Team.” He replied and Solow went over the details of the mission.

* * * * * * *

They arrived at Penny’s house and both got out of the car. Nonie had never seen a house this large before. Once Penny pulled her keys out of her purse and opened the door, the two girls enter into the entry hall Nonie looked across the spacious room. This room was bigger than hers and Stephanie’s entire apartment. “Whoa, could this room be any bigger?” Nonie replied.

“I told you James made a lot of money. I was only working just to be doing something.” Penny responded. Nonie walked across the room looking all around the room with amazement until she walked into something she thought was a wall. Her face came to what was a man’s lower chest and when she looked up, she saw a very big man. He must have been 7’4” and weighed 385 lbs. “Nonie, this is my husband, James.”

Nonie’s eyes widen as she uttered. “The Atomic Crusher is your husband.”

“I take it you’re a Wrestling fan.” James said.

Nonie looked over to Penny and said, “You never told me the you were married to The Atomic Crusher!”

“You never asked.” She teaseling responded.

Nonie said, “Yea, he’s famous, he’s The…Atomic Crusher.”

James flatteringly said, “Yes, but from what I hear you’re starting to become a little famous yourself.”

“But not as famous as you are, you’re The Atomic Crusher.”

Penny giggled, “Okay, he’s The Atomic Crusher. I know it, you know it, and I’m very sure he knows it.”

“I also hear you have the ability to elongate yourself.” James said.

Nonie blinked with bafflement until Penny said, “Stretch yourself…”

“Oh, I can stretch myself…” and Nonie stretches her upper body and arms fifteen feet, and then stretched her neck another five feet and hit her head against the ceiling, “Ow!”

Changing the subject, Penny said, “I’m designing Nonie’s Elasticity costume.”

“You’re going to do that.” James surprisingly asked, then looked at Nonie and laughingly said, “Run, don’t look back, just run.”

Penny slapped him on the arm and annoyingly said, “Now cut that out!”

Confused as usual Nonie asked, “What’s going on?”

Penny rolls her eyes and explained, “Oh, he’s still going on about the time I tried to design his wrestling outfit.” She then looks at her husband and continued, “He’s the one who insists on wearing a purple outfit.”

“Hey, I like purple, purple is my color.” James countered.

Nonie did not want to be the cause for James and Penny to fight, said, “Well, I seen some of her designs, and there are four of them that I liked.”

Penny said, “See James, she likes them. Now come on Nonie, we’ve got to get some measurements, make some patterns, get some material, do some fittings…”

James glares at Nonie with that I told you so look and said, “Now see what you got yourself into. You should’ve run when you had the chance.”

“Don’t listen to him, he like to over-react to everything.” Penny responded as she pulled Nonie to the back room.

“When she gets like this, she becomes an unstoppable steamroller and you’re standing in her path…” James hollered as he followed them into sewing room, “…waiting to be flattened.”

These words started Nonie’s ordeal as Penny had her up on the table and started to get her measurements. Penny looked at her and asked, “What are you, a size 5?”

Nonie glanced away and mumbled, “…Size 2.”

“You’re a 2 size.” Penny questioned, “Do you ever eat anything?”

Nonie answered, “Yea, I ate some Cocoa Puffs this morning.”

“Say Penny, aren’t you a size 6?” James grinned, “You’re three times the size as she is!”

Penny turned to see her husband, who she did not know, had followed them into the sewing room, and said, “Keep this up and your mouth will be a size 6.”

* * * * * * *

Franklin, using his passkey, entered Stephanie and Nonie’s apartment and went to Stephanie’s computer to chat with Elizabeth. He logged on to the chat room where he first met her, and called her. When he finally got her on the chat room, the two talked about their wedding day.

Franklin talked about how he owned an entire apartment complex, and how he was tall, dashing, good-looking, and debonair, with wavy dark hair. In reality, he was short, fat, unattractive, graceless slob, with a hard baldhead.

The two decided, mainly Elizabeth, on setting the date to sometime after the New Year. Before Franklin logged off, he looked at Elizabeth’s picture she had on the computer and thought of how lucky he was, to marrying a woman who was as gorgeous as she was.

* * * * * * *

Penny got the measurements required, and took Nonie shopping for the material and patterns. They had searched twelve different stores until they found the stretchy material in green and yellow. Nonie was beginning to understand what James was saying about Penny. Nonie thought she would have been better off looking for a job like the one Stephanie wanted.

When they returned, Penny had her back on the table re-measuring her. “I don’t think my measurements had changed in the last three hours since you last measured me.” Nonie annoyingly snapped.

“You want your costume to fit you, don’t you?” she snapped.

When she was finished re-measuring Nonie, Penny started to sew the Elasticity costume together. Nonie took this time to rest after running around town. Nonie stretched her hand over to the television set, and turned it on.

After two hours, Penny finally finished making the Elasticity costume.

Nonie took it into the up-stairs bedroom to try it on. A few minutes later, she came down into the living room where James and Penny awaited.

“I think I did a pretty good job on this costume.” Penny commented.

James looked Nonie over and said, “I have to admit; it does look good.”

“Now for the real test,” Penny said, “try stretching to see if everything is alright.”

Elasticity began to stretch her arms out fifteen feet and notice that her long sleeves were now short sleeves. Nonie looked at both of her arms and said, “I don’t think it’s quite stretchy enough.”

“Ya think.” Penny griped, then turned towards James and saw him laughing about the whole incident, and snapped, “Will you please stop laughing, is this why your ex-wife, Linda, left you?”

James stopped laughing just long enough to retort, “Let’s not bring that psycho into this. The last I heard from her, she was into black magic.”

“Hey! I got an idea,” Nonie spouted, “we could go to see Beaker.”

“Beaker?” they said in unison.

“Yea, he’s the guy who gave me these powers. He works at the research labs. Maybe he has some stretchy material.”

James took a stance, pointing his finger towards the front door, and said, “To the Research Labs!”

Penny just shook her head and said, “Just get into the car.”

* * * * * * *

Alan went to a payphone, dropped some change into it, and quickly dialed Stephanie’s phone number. After six rings, the answering machine came on. He heard his sister’s voice said, “You’ve reached the Foster and Turner residents. Please leave a message after the beep…”

“Hey! How come I don’t get to make the message?” an unknown voice griped.

When he heard the beep, he said, “Yo boss lady, it’s me…”

Alan always got a charge out of saying that since he and Stephanie were kids. He started calling her boss because of the fact that she spent most of her time bossing him around, and was his way to irritate her back.

“Now I know what you’re thinking…” He continued, “…But you couldn’t be so wrong.”

Alan thought that Stephanie might think this is one of his many tricks he had pulled on her in the past, added, “…Believe me, this is not a scam.”

Alan looked at his watch and thought that he had a few things to do to get ready for this new adventure he was getting ready for, finished, “I’ll let you know all about it when I come over. See you then.”

Alan hung up and stuck his finger into the change slot for any money that happened to be in it. When he found nothing, he then hailed a cab, and went to finish preparing for the job.

* * * * * * *

Beaker was surprised to see Nonie again, especially after what happened the last time she was there. He welcomed Nonie and her friends and Penny explained, “I made this costume for her to wear, but when she stretches herself, well…”

Nonie stretched her left arm and said, “See, it’s not as stretchy as me.”

Beaker had an idea, as usual. He had an experimental substance he has been working on and been meaning to try out. Penny showed Beaker the sketches of the Elasticity costume, and he started to scan the image of her into his computer. Penny watched as he compiled a two-dimensional model of Nonie into his computer. Afterwards, Beaker called Nonie to come over.

Beaker instructed, “Alright Nonie, stand on that little X on the floor.”

“Wait a minute,” Nonie exclaimed, “the last time I stood on “a little X on the floor”, as she made quotation marks with her fingers, “you squashed me flatter than a pancake!”

Beaker reassured, “Don’t worry, I can absolutely guarantee that this will not squash you flat.”

Nonie was a little hesitant as she walked over and stood on the little X on the floor and Beaker pulled a lever. Before Nonie knew what had happened, she was completely covered in a gooey, rubbery, coating, which covered her form head to toe. “Oops. I guess I used too much rubber goop.” Beaker added.

Penny looked at Beaker and said, “You think so.”

“I think you missed a spot right there.” James laughed, pointing at the rubbery blob standing before them.

Nonie found it hard to move with all that extra weight of the rubbery substance that covered her, grumbled, “Will somebody get me the hell out of this gummy mess?”

Beaker approached Nonie and said, “I guess I’ll have to tear this off and start again.”

“Hey, she looks like the Tar Monster that came out of a tar pit.” James joked.

After tearing Nonie out of that rubbery mess, Beaker tried again, this time with a little less goop, Beaker had Nonie cover her head with a bubble dome and she went into a spray room. Beaker had the rubbery goop sprayed her until she had a good coat of rubber on. When it dried, Beaker cut the bubble dome off her head. Nonie was almost blue in the face, as she gasped, “You know, you could’ve gotten that thing off of my head a lot sooner.”

The costume Nonie had on looked like a full-body, white, latex cat suit. Penny looked at Beaker and said, “That doesn’t look like the design that I did.”

Beaker responded, “That was just the first step, the next one is to add the colors to her outfit.” Then moved to his computer, called up the Elasticity file, and sends it to another device. Then he called Nonie over.

Beaker pointed to a large machine that had two very large rollers in the front, a few dials, and two more rollers on the back. He looked at Nonie and said; “Now all you have to do is go in through here.”

Nonie looked at the machine in horror and screamed, “Wait a minute! That looks like a… PRINTING PRESS!”

Beaker responded, “That’s how we get the colors into you suit.”

Nonie contemplated for a moment; .35 seconds to be exact, and cried, “No way, I’m not going to go through that…” as Nonie pointed at Beaker’s machine and continued, “That Thing, I’ll just leave the costume white.”

Penny looked at Nonie and asked, “But, what about my design? I worked hard coming up with the costume concepts.”

“I’m not going through that printing press, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to make me go through that press.” Nonie informed Penny.

Penny was not about to give in that easy. She had a secret weapon at her disposal. She looked at her husband and called, “Oh James, would you put her through for me?”

James responded, “Sure thing.” Then he grabbed Nonie, stuffing her into the press headfirst.

As the two rollers pulled her head in, she tried to pull it out by pushing with her hands. All that did was to squeeze her hands in between the rollers. When Nonie's chest and abdomens were pulled through; she started to kick her legs. She did this until her skinny little butt had been squeezed between the rollers. After Nonie’s feet had passed through, Beaker pressed a series of buttons and moments later; Nonie as Elasticity came out of the other side. She looked exactly like the two-dimensional model in the computer; in fact, she was as two-dimensionally flat as the model.

Nonie curled her flattened upper body up and rested her head on her right hand and sighed, “Some friends you are.”

James laughed, “Boy, this plan sure fell flat.”

Beaker walked over to Elasticity, lifted her up, and said, “It still has a few things I need to work out.”

“But somehow, I knew you would find away to flatten me out, somehow.” Elasticity complained.

Beaker gave her a quick snap, popping her back into her three-dimensional self. Beaker asked, “Are you ready to do it again, a few dozen times more?”

“WHAT?” Elasticity gasped.

“Well, you’ll need some back-up costumes it the future.” Beaker explained, “You may as well get as many as you can in one sitting.”

Consequently, after Nonie had been sprayed, squished, printed, and popped back, all afternoon, she was ready to go home.

* * * * * * *

James and Penny droved Nonie back to her apartment. She had a very long day and wanted to have a nice quite evening. She had a thought that Stephanie might be there waiting for her.

Nonie stretched her neck through the window, into the apartment, and looked around. She did not want to explain what she had been doing all day. When she did not see Stephanie, she entered their apartment carrying about a dozen boxes.

Nonie almost made it to her bedroom when Stephanie came out of the kitchen and asked, “So, how’s the job hunting going, and I hope those are job applications in those boxes.”

Nonie stopped in her tracks, turned to face her roommate and nervously responded, “Ah, there’re my Elasticity costumes.”

Stephanie rolls her eyes back and said, “Not that again, I told you that you could play superhero if you get a job.”

“Well, I did get a job.” Nonie answered, and thought to herself, okay, so unless you call being a superhero a job, it was a little lie; so sue me.

Stephanie saw the light on their telephone answering machine blinking, indicating that they have some new messages. The indicator showed only one massage on it, so Stephanie pressed the play button.

Stephanie heard her annoying brother’s voice on the machine, “Yo boss lady, it’s me,”

Annoyed, Stephanie spouted, “What does Alan want now?”

Message continued, “Now I know what you’re thinking…”

“That you’re an idiot.” She answered,

“…But you couldn’t be so wrong.” Alan’s message continued.

Stephanie rolls her eyes back and asked, “Alright, what’s the scam this time?”

“…Believe me, this is not a scam.” The message continued, “I’ll let you know all about it when I come over. See you then.”

Stephanie smiles and said, “Not if I see you first.”

Nonie asked, “Is Alan coming here, I can’t wait to met him.”

“Believe me, he is nothing but a major annoyance.” Stephanie replied, as she hit the erase button.

Stephanie asked Nonie, “So, where are you working?”

With everything that just happened, Nonie forgot about her little lie, as she blurted, “I’m still looking for one, oops.”

Stephanie quickly glared at her foolish roommate. She became angry with Nonie lying to her about getting a job.

“NONIE!” Stephanie blew up, “What have you been doing all day!”

“Well after you left, Penny came over to show me the Elasticity costume, and when it didn’t work, we went to see Beaker…” Nonie explained.

This started Stephanie off on yet, another screaming session. She hollered, “Tomorrow, you are getting a job if I have to kill you to do it!”

Nonie had a bad feeling her quite evening had come to an end, and would have to endure an endless lecture from Stephanie.

Next: Brain Waves